News
New CMO Waiting 3 Whole Months Before Website Redesign

CHICAGO — Marketing professionals worldwide are shocked at reports that Jennifer Watkins, newly appointed CMO of TechDynamics, has a whole new playbook for incoming CMOs. It's being reported that Jennifer is waiting 3 months before starting a website redesign that typically marks a CMO's first week.

"I know a website redesign is crucial for a brand new CMO to establish dominance, but I wanted to focus on more important strategies first, like renegotiating our season tickets to the Cubs," Watkins explained in a statement released by her intern. "In the budget-conscious era we're in, it's the prudent thing to focus on."

Colleagues report Watkins hasn't yet formed a 13-person website committee or hired her former agency to conduct a six-month design thinking workshop, raising concerns about her bucking tradition.

Industry experts remain skeptical of Watkins' unorthodox approach. "A website redesign is chapter one in the CMO playbook," explained marketing consultant Bradley Thompson. "Next you'll tell me she won't change the brand colors or create a new mission statement that's essentially the old one but with 'journey' added three times."

Watkins has reportedly scheduled a meeting to discuss "actual customer needs" and is hosting it in a luxury box at Wrigley Field, leaving the marketing department somewhat comforted that not all things are different.

Editorial
Expense Report Theater
A Dramatic Reading from the Finance Department

From the Mind of B.F. Spaulding

Publisher’s Note: The following expense report was reportedly found crumpled behind the accounting department's bourbon drawer (which we've been told repeatedly is not a real thing). Mr. Spaulding insists this is a "vital historical document" and demands it be published "for the sake of future generations of marketers." Our fact-checkers are still investigating whether several of these establishments actually exist.

EXPENSE REPORT #4721

Submitted by: B.F. Spaulding
Department: Marketing
Date Range: Q1 Marketing Summit
Status: Rejected (Multiple Violations)
Number of Appeals: 7
Current Location: Finance Department Purgatory

ACT I: The Transportation Saga

EXPENSE: $487 CATEGORY: Ground Transportation
DESCRIPTION: "Emergency strategic repositioning vehicle following catastrophic keynote failure"
ATTACHED RECEIPT: Helicopter rental

FINANCE NOTES: Mr. Spaulding, we cannot approve helicopter transport from the convention center to the airport.

MY RESPONSE: The keynote speaker just announced that "email marketing is dead." I had to evacuate 47 email marketers before the riot started. This was a safety expense.

FINANCE NOTES: The airport is 4 miles away. There's a shuttle.

MY RESPONSE: The shuttle doesn't have a mini-bar.

Status: REJECTED

ACT II: The Dining Incident

EXPENSE: $342 CATEGORY: Client Entertainment
DESCRIPTION: "Emergency crisis management dinner"
ATTACHED RECEIPT: From establishment "The Bourbon Seminary"

FINANCE NOTES: This appears to be just a bar receipt.

MY RESPONSE: It was a theological discussion about our client's social media strategy. Some things require spiritual guidance and single malt.

FINANCE NOTES: The receipt shows 7 different types of bourbon and something called "The Marketer's Tears."

MY RESPONSE: That last one is a house specialty. I was conducting market research on beverage naming conventions.

Status: PENDING (Under Review by Legal)

ACT III: The Hotel Situation

EXPENSE: $899/night CATEGORY: Lodging
DESCRIPTION: "Tactical command center for content strategy"
ATTACHED RECEIPT: Presidential Suite

FINANCE NOTES: The conference hotel block was $199/night.

MY RESPONSE: The regular rooms don't have a proper wet bar for entertaining clients. Also, the conference hotel's bourbon selection can only be described as "inadequate", which is a clear violation of our company's standards and values.

FINANCE NOTES: We don't have standards for bourbon selection.

MY RESPONSE: This oversight has been noted and will be addressed in next quarter's strategic planning session.¹

Status: REJECTED (With Extreme Prejudice)

ACT IV: The Creative Services

EXPENSE: $299 CATEGORY: Professional Services
DESCRIPTION: "Emergency content creation support"
ATTACHED RECEIPT: From "The Typing Monkey's Shakespeare Club"

FINANCE NOTES: This appears to be a bar tab.

MY RESPONSE: They have typewriters at the bar. I was drafting the conference recap while engaging with other thought leaders.

FINANCE NOTES: The receipt shows no food, only bourbon and "Hemingway's Regret."

MY RESPONSE: I was method writing. You have to get into character.

Status: UNDER ETERNAL REVIEW

ACT V: The Technology Investment

EXPENSE: $1,299 CATEGORY: Office Supplies
DESCRIPTION: "Mobile content optimization device"
ATTACHED RECEIPT: Latest iPhone

FINANCE NOTES: Your current phone is only 3 months old.

MY RESPONSE: The old one developed an unfortunate bourbon-related malfunction during an emergency client meeting at The Bourbon Seminary.

FINANCE NOTES: Was this during the same "crisis management dinner"?

MY RESPONSE: I invoke my Fifth Amendment rights.

Status: REJECTED (IT Security Cited "Bourbon-Related PTSD")

EPILOGUE: The Final Appeal

TOTAL SUBMITTED: $3,826 TOTAL APPROVED: $47.52 (Airport shuttle and one (1) coffee)

FINAL FINANCE NOTE: Mr. Spaulding, please see revised travel policy regarding "bourbon-related emergencies" and "creative transportation solutions."

MY FINAL RESPONSE: I will be submitting a revised policy draft that includes a proper bourbon standards clause. Also, the helicopter pilot says hi.

B.F. Spaulding is currently accepting donations for the "Save the Expense Reports" foundation, which he runs from various airport bars across the country. His latest appeal to classify bourbon as a "critical marketing resource" is still pending review.

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